IDENTITY
Marc=)
Canoeist since 2000
Ex-HCJC(or HCI for that matter)
04S69
Singapore
COPYRIGHT © MATCHSTIX06
Marc=)
Canoeist since 2000
Ex-HCJC(or HCI for that matter)
04S69
Singapore
COPYRIGHT © MATCHSTIX06
=The Paradigm Shift; part IV: The Plan In Motion=
Countdown: t-minus 11 weeks 5 days
Song ringing in my head:
Runaway Train from the album Grave Dancers Union by Soul Asylum
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Tequila Sunrise
Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
I will miss my parents
I will miss my bed!
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
Guess no one heard what I asked someone to help me convey..
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep; there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Haha. This is what a Class95FM DJ sent me when I was having a conversation with her..
I hope so too!!!Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
I really meant what I said then
It was no prank
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
I wonder how will things change when I return...
And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it
Things might be for the better or worse..
We might never know..
If I knew I wouldn't be doing all these!!!
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain
I'm sincere, I guess that's all I can do
And maybe to pray for the best
Yup!
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
I want to put some negative stuff here, but let's not spoil the mood of this entry..
=The Paradigm Shift; part III: The Moment of Realisation=
Countdown: t-minus 12 weeks
Song ringing in my head:
Blind from the album Lifehouse by Lifehouse
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Strawberry Champagne
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried
The answer came when I was drifting between the real world and dreamland
Surprisingly, I was simultaneously aware of what was happening in this 2 realms
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
Don't we used to believe that there's something called true love?
Personal experience
and all the happenings around me
slowly, one by one
they tell me that it's untrue
I've just read a friend's blog
About him and his gf
I feel so happy for them
Just like the engagement party I attended
For a moment, I thought my heart melted
However, till then
and from then
"true love"
will be nothing more than a pack of lies
attempting to deceive me
to disillusion me
for too long
this world has been plunged by these lies
People say that love is great
But love destroys people too
Where is the love that they claimed?
But don't ask me if I'm ok
I'm not
Or least don't think I'm
I'll never be
Until I regain that ability to love again
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
When part of me died
Will I let you go
=The Paradigm Shift; part II: The Inspirations=
Countdown: t-minus 12 weeks 1 day
Song ringing in my head:
Maybe Tomorrow from the album You Gotta Go There To Come Back by Stereophonics
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Strawberry Champagne
I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me
First up on the agenda:
A very big thank you to those who came back to Wingline(regardless of your intent; whether to change your equipment or to spend some time entertaining us):
Hou De for his McDonalds Sausage McMuffin and coffee!
Instructor Vincent for his offer to get anything!
Wilson Ong for his your Coffee Bean and muffin snacks!
Shih Jie for his Nasi Lemak and Minced Meat Noodles breakfast(and pancakes too..but they got eaten up by Almo!!! :( )
Sgt Desmond for his Bubble Tea!
Desmond Ho for letting me have a bite of his McSpicy burger and fries!
Wei Shu for his Crystal Jade pastries!
Sng for his Chicken Nuggets and Filet-o-Fish from McDonalds!
Jimmy Boey for his your Portugese egg tarts!
And last but not least my buddy Wai Keung and his gf for another beverage from Coffee Bean!
Also not forgetting the resident Brunei-an Fahmi for some hawker fare!
*Please pardon me if I've accidentally left your name out, as you should have known by now the memory capacity of mine la huh? =P I appreciate your thoughts too!
It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free
have been thinking of all the bad deeds that others have done to me
but importantly, i have been thinking of all the bad deeds that I have done to others
is this what i deserve?
in the previous entry i've mentioned that
things happen for a reason(s)
so that the future or specifically
the outcome will be different
cause and effect in motion
I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe
i don't want to be sympathasised
sympathy's the last thing i need from anybody
there's no need for me to wallow in self-pity either
because i'm just paying for my own mistakes
it's something i can't escape from
the crux is
what happens next...
I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All for me
I guess I often take this for granted
time
we often procrastinate(as what korn's discussing on his blog)
thinking we can do, or more specifically say things the next time
what if there's no next time(touch wood)
what if...
remember me
cause nothing might be the same anymore
6mins17s
it has to be a record
may seem nothing to you
but it meant alot to me
Also, thanks alot Yas for putting it in words for me
freaking embarrassing, but it was quite well conveyed
can't believe i made that call
would it better if you've heard it from me personally?
So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home
*
And maybe tomorrow, I'll find that courage to tell you myself
=The Paradigm Shift=
Countdown: t-minus 12 weeks 3 days
Song ringing in my head:
I Can't Hate You Anymore from the album What's Left Of Me by Nick Lachey
No Promises from the album Shayne Ward by Shayne Ward
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Vodka Redbull
An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you want to scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame
But it couldn't save me.
But how could we quit something we never even tried?
Well, you still can't tell me why.
You're not the person that you used to be,
The one i want who wanted me.
And that's a shame.
But theres only so many tears that you can cry,
Before it drains the life right from your eyes,
And i cant go on that way.
And so im letting go of everything we were,
Doesn't mean it doesnt hurt.
We built it up to watch it fall
Like we meant nothing at all
I gave and gave the best of me
But couldn't give you what you need
You walked away, you stole my life
Just to find what you're looking for,
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
A nice song, nothing much more to it.
And don't you ever notice that no matter how hard you plan, things don't always go your way?
Wing Sergeant-Major: Orders, sediya! Orders, diam!
Wing Sergeant-Major enters Wing Comd's office, salutes, and asks for permission to march in the orders group, while I stand at attention with an escort beside me.
Wing Sergeant-Major: Orders, japak-jalan! [sounds off timing] Lup Right Lup Right! Orders, behenti! Kekanan-pusing!
Wing Sergeant-Major: [reading off my 11B] OCT Marcus Lim, NRIC S87******.
Me: Yes Sir!
Wing Comd: You have been found to have violated the SAF ... Act Chapter ... in Charter ... at Marsiling Training Area on 19092006 1800hrs. Do you hereby plead guilty?
Me: Yes Sir!
Wing Comd: Are you willing to accept my verdict?
Me: Yes Sir!
Wing Comd: You are hereby ........... Marcus. [pauses for a while] I think you're very stupid, do you know? You're a pro-term cadet already, what more the most senior ones in the school, still make this kind of mistakes. Up to this point, you still do not know how the game is played?
Me: No Sir!
Wing Comd signs on few pieces of paper to be submitted to the HQ
Wing Sergeant-Major requests for permission to fall out the orders group.
Wing Sergeant-Major: Orders, kekanan-pusing! Orders, japak-jalan! [sounds off timing] Lup Right Lup Right! Orders, behenti!
I'm further convinced that things happen for a reason(s).
Be very very careful for what you wish for.
Because..
1)
I happened to got what I wished for, in the wrong context.
Now, I have the abundance of time to actually do what I wanted to do, or rather, do what I have to do.
I agree with my Wing Comd totally.
That what has happened is clearly stupidity to its max.
Where got people do things to burn your own leave?
I thought I will have everything under control.
After this, the thick layer of fog sets in again.
People with higher EQ have dealt with me in a more tactful manner.
Smart move I would say.
Because like a totally unstable isotope, you never know what might happen to you next.
Yes, I'm angry. And it's hard not to do so because..
(a) I try to point the finger at somebody else, but there's nobody else to point at.
they point the finger at me and say, I'm guilty by association
I can't figure out why it happened, and it happened at such a time.
It shouldn't have happened, it shouldn't be at a time like this.
But, it happened!
(b) The worse of all. There are people like to find happiness in other's misfortune. I forgive you if you didn't know what was going on. But I find it especially irritating, especially frustrating when you think it is funny, or purposely act in front of me as if you didn't know what was going on. You hypocrite(s). My patience is thinning. My tolerance level is at an all-time low. Don't test me. Don't say I've never given you a warning. I would very much like to deal with you myself. I would love the pleasure of giving you back what you truly deserve. But I think I would let nature take its course, because there's no need for me to interfere if you carry on like that. It's more important for you to watch out for your ownself. Too many a times when one attempts to knock the other off a cliff, he often falls off the cliff himself. Don't be so cocky. Yes, you may have been successful in crashing me down the cliff. But I doubt you'll be lucky the 2nd time. I would like to see the day when it comes back to you. Because what goes around comes around, and what comes up must come down. Yes, and as the days goes by you may be climbing higher and higher above me, but as the higher you climb, the harder you fall...
Maybe all that has happened has also something to do when I was laughing at Yuhang's 7 extras for not filling up his bottle to the brim.
On the other hand, I thank those who really helped in one way or another. I truly appreciate your actions and words. Though they might be something small, but it means very much to me in these times. You'll be remembered.
2)
As I'm undergoing through a change, so are you..
Why? It is so totally unexpected.
I'm sincerely apologetic for what is to happen
I think I smell fish
You might even say I'm suspicious
Or is it that simple?
As much as I would like you to say Yes, you've just opened many doors.
One question can lead to 10 questions
and it goes on and on...
My dear Marcus, there's still a long long way to go...
I think I know what I want now,
But I don't know how to go about it
*
To be continued when the inspiration returns...
=The Imbalances=
Countdown: t-minus 13 weeks 3 days
Song ringing in my head:
Classical Gas from the album -unknown- by Eric Clapton
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
n/a
Also don't know how to start this entry. Owells
Maybe I can start with the lingandPMS outing at MoS to support yingyi's bday party last night! It's the 2nd time that we went clubbing together as total strength: 5 present strength: 5(the 1st was post-prom party)!
lingandPMS at the main entrance of MoS (outside Smoove)
It was quite funny cause initially me and Nel didn't want to go. Guan was telling Lide, if you go, Nel will go, and then Marc will go. So throughout the day the 3 of us, me nel and lide were asking each other whether we will be going. calls and smses flew here and there, revolving around a single point: if lide goes, nel will go, then marc will go..so at around 2100..lings asked me, so are u going..so i said i don't know! nel haven't told me if he was going..and suddenly came enlightenment..lings the bimbo actually said: hey. can u guys don't be so po ma or not? All eyes turned around and stared at her. that actually coming out from lings! hahaha..ok la shall not be evil to her!
and hey to guan and nel, the SMS that I typed out I've totally no intention of sending it! but i guess the very fact that i typed that SMS out reveals the thought of my subconscious mind and how much of a bastard I'm. Hope you can keep this incident to yourself, and the rest of the entry(some parts) will explain in depth to what I'm thinking...though I personally think that the rest of entry will be very very easily misinterpreted. but who cares, it's my blog
anyways recently i felt that i'm slowly drifting away from my inner self
the inner self defined as the one that sets all your moral values, dreams, goals in the correct way
i would say that my inner self hasn't been through a better time than myself
as i'm suffering from severe weather conditions, so has been my inner self
after the difficult times that my inner self and i went through
i somewhat visualised it like a huge asteriod crashing into the planet
destroying lives and infrastructure
then came ice age
but what did not kill only served to make one stronger
there came the busy times that made us drifted from one another
reconstructing the dear things that have been destroyed
there has been many changes
changes that we've found difficult to accept at times, but nevertheless necessary changes
and now
the situation has certainly improved, my inner self and i managed to restore most of what we could find
there are missing pieces here and there, but life still continues
*
i've always found it difficult to balance my social life and personal life
i'm starting to think back now, if i actually gave too much to my social life
such that I'm neglecting my own personal time
to discover the little things in Life that actually make life worth living for
to discover the passion that has been burning within me, keeping my faith strong when things don't seem so right
to discover the things that I've always loved doing ie. sleeping etc.
maybe now it's time to take a step back
like America, which used the policy of isolationism after the Great Depression
many people now think that the wars that the US started are unjustifiable
i'm so not going to argue here, especially right here in my blog whether it is or not
and i'm so not going to entertain any criticisms on me being biased towards or against the Americans because that is so not my main point
BUT, but what if, they were to use the policy of isolationism right now
what would be the impact to the world? after so many criticisms and no appreciation to what it's doing.
maybe like America, I should enter a state of isolationism
until I feel that I'm ready to face everybody again
until maybe I felt that I and my inner self are One again
until I feel that I'm ready to face the truth again
until....
*
I miss the things that I did in life
like my previous band(Singer: Yuhang, Bassist: Shing Ee, Percussionist: Nel, Lead Guitarist: Me)
the things that really brought happiness into my life
the things that really made me felt that I was being myself
however, there are always disappointments
much as u treasure something, u might have realised that the other party probably doesn't give a damn
it's such a pity
because you and I were really so close then
because you and I shared so many secrets, did so many things together
because you were the first person whom introduced the term "brother" to me
because you were probably the only person then whom I trusted so much
but look at things now
will you even remember me 10 years later?
will you even bother to say hi to me if you walked past me down Orchard Road?
will you even remember the things I've done for you?
It's ok, when you ask something from somebody, make sure you are willing to do the same
I dare say I remember
I still remember your handphone no. by memory
I still remember your birthday
I still remember where you stay
I still remember the secrets we shared
I still remember the late nights where we talked on the telephone, and how hard you were trying to not let your parents know you were on the phone
I still remember the hardships we went through
I still remember the times when you were there for me
I still remember the times when I needed you to be there for me, but you weren't
I still remember how I tried to reduce my dependency on you
I still remember that how I knew of something from somebody else and that you didn't tell me
I still remember you sending that message out on my behalf to somebody whom is now revolving around my life
I was looking at this photograph:
I still remember how we were so innocent then
We were way too innocent, like we didn't give a damn and just pointed the middle finger at the thing we call Reality.
Our hairstyle. (or the lack of it)
If only anyone of you could hear me playing the guitar now
You would know the mood I'm in now
By now, my dear friends:
You should know although it's hard to understand and relate to what I'm going through(I don't fault you guys for it, on the other hand I really appreciate you guys because I know I'm not that easy to understand, actually I'm! but it's always the simple things that are difficult to decipher), that you can tell my current emotions from the cocktail, music that I'm listening to and if possible, from the music I play from my guitar.
*
heh and this is an extraction from my conversation with xy.
yes THAT situation is extremely worrying!
we tend to lose friends along the way
i've already lost a few
unintentionally
because of stupid things
because of the differing values we've that are splitting us apart
i don't want to lose anyone anymore
and that includes you
tho you might say we ain't close together
but yes, you bring some form of happiness to me
should i
or should i not?
=The Mistakes we make in Life=
Countdown: t-minus 13 weeks 5 days
Song ringing in my head:
Wonderwall from the album (What's the Story)Morning Glory? by Oasis
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
n/a
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how...
Don't you ever look back in events that happened in your life?
And wondered what if you made a different choice then...
What would be the outcome?
Would things be much different than they are now?
Mistakes
We make them all the time
But do we have the courage to face up to them?
*
One of the mistakes I made was not studying hard enough for my "A" levels.
Go ahead and bombard me with "ai ya..no use crying over spilt milk.." or "so what now? as if time can be turned back" etc. etc.
Yes I know, what's the point of saying all these now?
Good question..I also don't know..
I just felt that it was a very huge mistake
When it came upon my decision to decide between my interests and reality
I had to choose one, or rather, I must choose either OR or
I chose the former
And now? What am I left with?
Nothing.
Dreams are meant to be fulfilled, but they were shattered by my very ownself
In another words, you control very own destiny ceteris paribus
And I can foresee, that I will soon be in another quagmire
And what should I choose this time?
Interest? or A choice that will make you stronger in reality?
Don't know how to answer me?
How about if I ask you to:
Pretend that, for once in your life, you had unlimited money and unlimited time.
What are the 10 things would you do if you had unlimited time and money?
Please write them down on a piece of paper
Proceed on if you have already done so
As you have probably realised, that listing these 10 items wasn't as easy as they assumed it would be -- even with unlimited time and money.
I admit that I had some difficulty with this particular question.
So what can we say about this?
Sometimes we complain about not having enough time in the world, or not having enough money to buy that Lamboghini or this or that.
But even if you had unlimited of time or money, is it that easy to know what you want?
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Cause I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
=The Lost and The Confused=
Countdown: t-minus 14 weeks 3 days
Song ringing in my head:
All The World from the album Hip City by Electrico(featuring Rivermaya)
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Whiskey on the rocks
as every second passes by
hope is slowly but nevertheless dwindling
the impossible never seems so impossible before
never been so clueless before
I want to run away from this
but no, maybe it's time to face this
I really don't know how long can I hold on for
because I'm losing grip
but gaining uncertainty every moment
maybe you can give me a sign
a hint
to make this all easier
All I can do now is probably wait
and wait
and wait
Till when?
If you were an assassin of hearts
I would say you've completed your mission more than successfully
Sometimes I just wish you would give me an ultimatum
though you can say it's cruel or mean
but at least you are not dangling me on a thread
a thread so thin
a thread that will break anytime
I have done 1000feet before
I thought I could overcome this
I was so wrong
maybe you're happy to see me in this state
watch me as I lay tormented
helpless by anyone
but you
you
yes you, not you
you
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So, mesmerizing and so hypnotizing,
I am captivated, I am
Vindicated
=The Negativities=
Countdown: t-minus 14+ weeks
Song ringing in my head:
Boston from the album All the Stars and Boulevards by Augustana
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
n/a
And I said
You don't even know me
And you don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me
And you don't wear my chains
oh yeah, yeah...
And no, it's of no help when you've people around(actually only this 2 people la) pissing you off every moment. It's irritating. It's annoying. It's like a one-more-nonsense-from-you-that's-it thing. I feel like I can go out of control anytime, anywhere... And yes for the ignorant no one would wanna go near a volcanic Marcus..But absolutely no worries, I promise(at least try to) that I will give a warning in advance.
I hope my erratic mood is not because of ...
And yes, range early this week. Bad...I really don't know what I was feeling then, a mixture of disappointment, anger, sadness aka all the negative emotions you can find..and bye bye there goes my marksman badge and the monetary reward that comes along with it..
It's always a slow and painful poison that kills, not a swift one that hurts
Please, and I say please, be careful with every action you take, cause it might be something consequential to me...
But wait, I guess there will be gals that will be damn happy knowing this..*drumrolls* Guess who's back after 41 days? Our dear Mr. OCT Koh GH!! Hahas! Welcome back to Singapore..eh paiseh ah this weekend cannot go out!
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, i'm tired of Sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name...
=living The American Dream=
Countdown: t-minus 15 weeks
Song ringing in my head:
Forever Today from the album Just Be by DJ Tiesto
Cocktail that I'm craving now:
Lychee Martini
Time really really flies..omg now our seniors are going to commission in one week's time. And bu zi bu jue, I've been in SAFTI/OCS for like what? 10 weeks..that's like another CSLC or another BMT period..and before i know it it's gonna commissioning parade etc. etc. and then it's ORD loh! ya la ya la Marcus continue dreaming la
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
- Thomas Jefferson
Great. The end of a, i-also-don't-know-how-to-describe-week. Whoa..what a great description. Yeah but anyways sorta glad this week's over..the next week better be better. (sheesh I'm running out of words here, note the repetitions) I have my range the next week, so wish me luck and hope I can get that marksmanship badge. I've always kinda like range, it feels very good when you hit the target. How I wish I could replace the target boards with my problems, and gun them down one by one slowly..
I can't pretend that nothing has happened, can you?
Wah but my parents are the best. Talked to them about what's on my mind and stuff, and they actually gave me the best advice I was told to date..Quite amazing to find answers in places where you never thought they could be..Also don't know how to describe my current situation, don't know if everything's ok..don't know this..don't know that..yeah..I only know how clueless I'm now..
Hildebrant's principle states that: If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there.
I guess the opposition has already made a move, now it's my turn to make mine. It's my turn to figure out what to do next.
Quote for the entry:
The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer.
- U.S Army slogan